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[22 Nov 2009|10:50pm] |
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music |
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spirit in the sky |
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i think im getting sick again. might commit suicide.
but anyway, what an exciting week! thursday there was a party in new brunswick that still kinda sucked but it was ok cuz all my friends were there and together we felt awkward amoungst the bros and house music. afterward we went to alan's and it was a lot of fun. i want to get to know those people better. lots of good dudes.
friday i DJed the annex but not many friends came, but it was packed. i blew my speakers and im really bummed about it. they were such nice speakers. RIP.
saturday i went to the city early with paul we picked up jin from her boyfriends house, met her new puppy then went to soho where seven, oak and BBlessing were having a sample sale. i got a dead flowers shirt, pleasure principle shirt, and an Imitation of christ shirt all $20 each. also ernest sewn corduroys only $40 that fit perfect and a really cool belt for $20. i also found a really small derby which i've been looking for from some street vendor. after that we have thai food in the LES which was really good and really reasonably priced.
after that i DJed an art gallery for some really hot girls. it was fun but they didnt pay me, which was ok cuz hanging out with those girls/girl watching was well worth it. jin left and paul and i trecked to brooklyn where i was djing at the beauty bar. angelica came to see me!
the girl dj was so hot, in a beautiful vintage dress and had too many drinks. she danced with me and touched me inapproprietlt behind the dj booth. she had to leave early though. suckedd. but then i djed then danzie went on and i really want to be this girl's bestfriend/boyfriend maybe. she played 'evil woman' and a million other awesome songs.
i drink a lil bit and danced a lot. i went to breakfast after with antonio near his house in park slope. the sun came up as i drove home and got to my house at 7am. i barely slept then got up and went to work all day.
im so exhausted, looking forard to my only day off tomorrow then back to craziness. i better not be sick, im so busy this week/want to hook up with lots of girls in the next few days.
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[18 Nov 2009|08:43pm] |
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accomplished |
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neil young |
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i was sick for 17 days straight. SEVENTEEN. but im better so it doesnt matter anymore. i went to the city last night with miss lauren carfagno. i've known her since highschool but never hung out without her outside parties. shes a little blonde girl and shes a lot more interesting than most people i've met. its so much fun getting to know new people. we went to happy ending where my friends had parties upstairs and downstairs. a lot of people from my past were there and it was marvelous. we danced all night, drank for free and it was great. i missed the city being fun. i know it just so happened that this party was great, cuz bronques and andrew wk was there so everyone showed up. lauren is so cute and i hope i hang out with her more, she says to take her dancing everynight. i wish could, cuz i would.
i feel so much better lately, i've been treated for bi-polar and its really starting to get better. i never even have much to talk about to the doctor anymore. feel like my problems dont matter anymore because my future seems so bright. i want everyone to get to know me again and see how much i changed. i really like myself now, and i haven't felt that way ever.
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[09 Nov 2009|04:57am] |
woke up at 415 in the morning, wide awake. i want to start my day. whats wrong with me? i was really sleepy all day too and didnt get any good nap or anything.
i met emily at her house in east windsor then we went to princeton. we stopped at a bar that had beer brewing behind huge glass. she decided she didnt like her friends and we left them after like 5 minutes and went to starbucks. we talked so much, like we usually do, but this time in person. we then walked around in cirlces kinda like we do in red bank. i met her a week ago but i feel like i've known her forever.
she isnt much like me exactly but we have all the wierdest things in common. how strange it is to get to know someone new, right?
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| this is not a depressing journal entry |
[29 Oct 2009|12:30pm] |
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music |
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boothby- everybody's fool |
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so, i found out the girl i dated for almost two years actually started seeing her current boyfriend in the winter early this year, while i was still dating her. what happened following that was i saw her less and less and eventually figured out that it was over and she said so at the end of may. she then led me on all summer and didnt tell me she was dating someone else till way after the fact. when i finally decided to move on (about 6 months after she did) she gave me so much shit about it.
what i dont understand is how someone could do that to someone else. maybe cheating on me once would've been understandable. but if she was seeing someone else why didnt she break up with me sooner?
anyway, im not really upset about this because it made it much easier to get over her. but are all girls that evil? she really doesnt seem evil at all, and that scares me how good at lying she was.
: /
but i've moved on, and cant dwell on these things, and i hope i meet someone nice soon, i will just have to be really careful this time.
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[22 Oct 2009|03:13am] |
when i think about when someone says 'people aren't meant to be alone' i think that they are completely wrong with the exception of conjoined twins.
really my whole life i thought, well people really shouldn't have other people around them so much, and we really should be alone more often and when we ever do encounter other people we would have thought so much about what we would say and how we would act that maybe we wouldn't do or say anything at all, and then we could just be like animals.
i would kill to be turned into coyote, or maybe one of those wierd fish with the light sticking out of my head on the bottom of the ocean.
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| updating my live journal! |
[01 Oct 2009|05:39pm] |
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music |
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dan keyes - closer. |
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dyingjournal.
and spring and summer came and spring and summer left. wost spring/summer of my life. things are looking up though. i got a tattoo, and i guess the same way people get haircuts and shit to feel better, i did that and i feel bettter. i might have lost two bestfriends, a girlfriend, and a few others, but i'm coping with being alone quite well. i finally decided to stop feeling bad for myself and just going out and meeting new people to be friends with.
sometimes you have to just give up before you can start something else. and well, i might have lost hope in a hopeless situation, but life goes on i guess and i'm tired of waiting around for something thats never going to happen. i guess i'm not going to stop missing people, and well i know jin will be back eventually, i hope some others do too.
oh well.
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| "Quick, say something encouraging..." |
[02 Jun 2009|07:06pm] |
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i read my last journal entry before writing this one and it made me sad. i thought i was an ok human being for awhile and i guess i wasn't. i learn everything too late i think. even when people are in place to tell me i'm doing things wrong i tend to ignore them.
but out of all these past awful days today i actually felt normal again. i hadn't been eating, because my medication makes me throw up everything in the world, but today i ate twice!! i also finally finished unpacking and cleaned my room. (i moved back to middletown two weeks ago)
this is my birthday month. reminding me that i've been here for 23 years and continue to fuck things up. maybe instead i will look at being 23 and finally growing up. i feel really alone these days, but that's my own fault, i realized i should stop blaming everyone else, which is another trait i take after my father "everyone else is wrong" this isn't true.
i'm breathing easier today, even though i've been let down, i realized its ok, and i that i can't control everything. i personally don't like transitions, but sometimes you have to go through them.
i just hope someone besides the new people i'm going to meet will appreciate the new me. i really hate the old me, but you can't change the past, all you can really do is look forward.
wish me luck.
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| breathing easily |
[17 Apr 2009|03:10am] |
i love what i do for a living. everything is so good now.
also i love:
i have my little dinner parties and everyone looks nice dressed up and sipping wine in front of projections of girls from the 60's in various stages of undress.
i love my girlfriend, she is growing up without losing the idea to smile for no reason.
i miss most my friends, the ones i still have i am worried about. i never know what to do about drugs, because there really is no helping somone unless they let you, and it's awful.
i just love how my dreams come true all the time, and i always forget that they will. things look really bad sometimes, but when i stick them out everything works out. i guess my whole other life being so awful made me realize how great it is not to be depressed, and sometimes fate reminds me not to take it for granted...
today maura came with me to do the playlists at the bar, and my boss stopped by and brought us dinner. how nice is that?
i keep telling myself that everything is always to good to be true, but maybe it isn't?
either way i'm having a great time with it, and taking it day by day. oppurtunites keep coming up, and i feel like for some reason i'm in great demand right now.
the only downside of things is that i'm worried about two of my good friends a great deal, and i need more people i can call "besties" or at least enough people to hang out with on a regular basis. i just want everyone to come sit on the porch with me, or walk around the park, or sit in bed and watch movies with. everyone always just wants to "go to new brunswick". also, i keep finding amazing thrift stores, and i'm really tired of all these people that say they want to go but flake out. i've been finding so much good stuff lately.
ok, its really late now, and i'm going to try to wake up and enjoy my one free friday ever. maybe pick up my scooter finally? or go paint the room i'm moving back into? i don't know. tomorrow is mine.
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[26 Mar 2009|08:42pm] |
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when i think about how big this project i'm working on is going to be i can barely contain myself.
i can't believe my boss, a wealthy older man, knows who jackson is! haha
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[12 Mar 2009|02:07pm] |
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everyone is so disgraceful...
and why do i want to know them? spend time with them?
i don't know. i wish i could move somewhere far away so bad. i wish i had money to do that. i'm stuck here.
so for all you goddamn idiots that have parents that will send you anywhere you want fuck you! you're all disgraceful. you will never better your surroundings, you will never touch anyone's lives. you will never do anything but exsist and take up space, and for that you should be ashamed.
p.s. i don't miss anyone i'm not friends with anymore. i don't care about you. i did, but i don't anymore is better than never caring in the first place.
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[02 Mar 2009|05:52pm] |
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police and thieves - the clash |
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i don't understand how i can be both successful and failing at the same time. i also don't understand justice. everyone thinks i'm crazy when i'm the one who stands up for myself and tells people to fuck off. really why should i waste my time on anyone? no one matters. if you're reading this, there's a good chance you don't really matter either. don't get me wrong, i love people. thats why i do the things i do, i want to make people happy.i like simple people like my mother. i want to just walk around and have everyone be smiling at me, without actually telling me why is fine too. i don't need to know.
i've learned so much about music this past month from getting all these 60's mixes. and the othernight ed and i went through his music looking for stuff to play at the bar i program music for.
so i'm making a lot of money doing nothing. but i would probably make more money if i worked at that bar more often. i'm thinking about moving to north jersey. no one ever comes over or is on drugs or has a boyfriend or hangs out with my other friends with out me, or wants to only go to the bar. so fuck all of you! i only really like one or two of my friends lately and everyone else is so dissappointing.
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[16 Feb 2009|03:50pm] |
i won't be updating much here anymore. go to my new blog @
www.velvetsportswear.blogspot.com
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| things that were fun |
[09 Feb 2009|12:56pm] |
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i had a 60's style classy dinner party on thursday and it was great. everyone brought food and wine and we all sat around my dinner table for hours eating it while listening to a playlist i've been wanting to have a party just listen to and watching quarophenia with closed caption on. i plan on having others.
i went to princeton on saturday night with sean black and it was great. no one hurled insults at us while we strutted around campus in tight black jeans and black leather jackets and long hair. i didn't even get a dirty look or anything. then when we got to the place where angelica's band body language was playing, all the kids there were great too and they were selling alcohol really cheap. also you could smoke inside. it was amazing. i wish i went to princeton so bad. Body language was amazing and got everyone dancing. and then School of Seven Bells played, and oh my god, they were so fucking good. they were an electronic/shoegaze/drone band. kind of my bloody valentine and knife combined with more of a cocteau twins direction. i love them, i'm obsessed.
last night josh and i were up late watching GONZO and ended up in deep philosphical conversation. i wish we could've recorded it, it was really good to have intelligent conversation like that.
i told myself to be productive today and so far this hasn't been going well. i have to go get my paycheck and buy masks for the party friday and maybe print out some flyers. i also want to possibly put some stuff on ebay and find out justin's address so i can mail him a note i wrote on this edie sedgewick post card i found (glamour!).
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[04 Feb 2009|01:15pm] |
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LEAVE ME ALONE!
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| i blame my mother.. |
[03 Feb 2009|12:56am] |
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for telling me to always be like jesus. here i am acting like him,
spitting out the lukewarm left and right.
today rachael and i went to washington township. just 6 miles east of buttsville. she wouldn't stop there for a drink as requested. i mean how many times can you say that you got a drink at a bar in buttsville during a snowstorm while on a mission to save puppies? not many, is all i'm saying.
i miss adventures. today i went on one alone. my mind was too clouded to find manasquan. how do you miss manasquan? i'm having a 60's themed dinner party thursday. i need ideas for adventures though, anyone want to go on adventures?
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[28 Jan 2009|02:28am] |
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| i know what i want for my birthday!! |
[14 Jan 2009|10:52pm] |
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the entire contents of hunter thompson's suitcase in fear and loathing in las vegas! and a bunch of people in on an adventure with said collection. God knows i can't do that all myself, haha
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| recently doing rather well. |
[11 Jan 2009|12:47am] |
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music |
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garage punk podcast |
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time to write about good things! yay!
1) i might be DJing at 60's themed bars opening up all around the world.
2) bruce springsteen asked one of my friend how i was doing. (?)
3) successful party last night! woo!
4) been making mad cash lately.
5) van is still broken (fixing tomorrow?)
6) write up in the tri-city news! wee!
7) having a MASQUERADE PARTY on february 13th. JANNA GET PREPARED. I AM GIVING YOU AMPLE TIME TO FIND A MASK AND OUTFIT.
DJing at angels and kings againg this thursday, come! its jessie poland's 21st birthday! how exciting!
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| Life used to be so hard, now everything is easier... |
[05 Dec 2008|12:54am] |
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music |
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the raincoats |
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hi sorry i haven't updated.
ok, so i moved to ocean grove to a nice little house with rachael and whitley and kaya (who is a pitbull). its a two story (with basement) house right across the lake from asbury. it has a porch too. i've been here since saturday and we're just about all done setting things up. alot of my friends already came by to see it and all agree its just about perfect. also its walking distance from my new favorite bar.
there's a little downtown area near my house that janna, maura and i walked to today. alot of interesting little shops in historic building exist there. also a few cafes. we got coffee at one just after closed. janna and i agreed that we should've brought a camera with us so she can post pictures on her live journal. i think i've found a job here already and a place i can start having a weekly DJ gig. i'll find out in the next few days. i have to work doubles the next two days, thank god cuz i have alot of bills now.
my life right now is just about perfect, i feel so much more in tune with things when i live with friends. my head is so clear right now. also a new beginning with ideal conditions is always good. just being able to have people over to play video games till 3 in the morning is a dream come true. also being able to have maura sleep over everynight is much more convenient. oh and kaya sleeps with us sometimes and takes up most of the bed.
oh, now that i have internet i think i'll be posting more and probably starting a blog. also save the date of the 27th, i'm having a party that night and werewolves and Quiet life are playing.
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[25 Nov 2008|03:48pm] |
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rolling stones - factory girl |
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myspace.com/midnitevulturesdanceparty
just added: guest DJing, Antonio (twig the wonderkid of trash!, glamdammit, disco down, ect)
+come early for free goodies
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| nostausia |
[10 Nov 2008|08:19pm] |
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music |
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jesus and mary chain |
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the other day when smashing pumpkins came on i remembered when i was 11, almost 12 i was at the library and borrow melon collie and the infinite sadness.
i did this cuz when i was much younger i listened to smashing pumpkins alot in my sisters car, the white chrystler lebaron on my way to second grade every day and when she drove us to her friends houses. i started crying then, cuz i remembered how free i felt back there with my head against the speaker, far away from my house that i considered a prison and my dad that i considered a warden. i felt safe in the back of my sister's car.
but now i'm here and think to myself, i'm back at my parents house, eleven years later. i never would have thought that.
i've been working really hard trying to get out, and my friend rachael decided to help once, and now again, by offering to have me move to her new place in ocean grove, which i plan on doing.
i've been really worried lately, cuz i've been acting crazy again. sometimes i get irrational and do irrational things. i also start feeling awkward in social situations and get social anxiety. a huge contrast to how i was two years ago. i'm just worried about turning into my dad. it would be awful. i was thinking about this all week, and it got me so depressed. i think i'm doing good for myself now, and i realized that i've been acting so embarrassingly for a few months, especially last week, but when will it happen again? when will i lose self control again? i'm just scared. and i wonder how people view me. not that i go around caring about what people think, i just mean i hope i haven't offended any of my friends, or acquaintences and now they think i'm an asshole. i mean i was being an asshole, but i don' think thats who i am. i hate whoever that was, i just hope he doesn't come back. but how did i prevent that?
how?
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| journal entry full of good things |
[15 Sep 2008|06:47pm] |
thanksgiving party planning started, and i got a confirmation from the gay blades, and a possible from the black jesuses. i think we'll be getting a ALCOHOL SPONSOR which is HUGE and maybe like red bull or something. um, i FIXED MY VAN! but i don't have car insurance. its ok though, i just need to do some haircuts. i did one today,it came out great. i also handed my resume to supercuts near my house.
things always go up and down, and its really ok. when i start doubting and then don't care things pick up again. i'm really going to stop caring about the shit that happens with alot of my friends though, i really don't think they care about me anymore, and i have no idea why. i guess i'm not as exciting as i used to be, i dont know. when you're down it seems like people are less attracted to you. have you found that?
i met an old dude last night that was around for the mod scene in england. we talked about quadrophenia and psychedelic bands and new bands and the jesus and mary chain and the pixies and it was great. i making him a copy of the nuggets compilation.
i just made myself the best food i ever eaten, marinated chicken with mashed potatoes and brown gravy with onions and porkrool, mmmmm man i never made it this good before.
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| sneezing. |
[13 Sep 2008|02:27am] |
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i love cut copy |
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what am i doing? sneezing. what am i doing? updating my livejournal, twitter, statuses on myspace and facebook all to tell people who don't look anyway about myself, and also sneezing some more.
why?
so they can say "god bless you" and then maybe, just once he will and i'll be out of the rut i'm in.
not counting on it.
ran out of claritin, my van broke, and i'm broke so i can't get more...
AH i need to work harder on helping myself. i really really do. if i could only just stop sleeping...
why can't i get up and be productive andresponsible like everyone else? i'm not blaming my parents for not molding me and and teaching me not to procrastinate, but i really wish they gave me some pushes when i was younger and set a goddamn better example.
i always wonder though, if anyone actually is interested when i post things and just doesn't tell me. maybe looks at every bulletin and journal entry and i will never know. i would like to know though, if someone is interested, and why they aren't my friend. really, i don't bite.
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| when it rains it poors |
[14 Aug 2008|07:21pm] |
my friend offered me to mo
ve in with him in maryland. or at least visit for a little while. i loved it there, where he lives, and its
super cheap. he even has a job for me when i get there. and i've had job offers there the one night i stayed. everyone there is really nice,
even old male republicans. and everyone is classy. i didn't even see one person hanging outside of a convenience store. my friends here have apparently been allergic
to my phone calls, or maybe all of them broke thier phones at once, i dont know. im not making any allegations. but as far as im concerned, i only mean anything to anyone when i have a car and i can stop them for beer. i c
an do niether, therefore my phone has stopped ringing and recieving phone calls. im going to rot here on the interenet
drinking by myself and thinking about the awful things that happened today. if i had a working bath i would use it. anyway, the fol
lowing events are happening. they are both destined to go well. im not going to care at
either. im not going to care at all. im going to pass go and collect $200 then hopefully move on with my life without you.
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[17 Jul 2008|04:04pm] |
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i went to the cosmetology school i graduated from yesterday and found out i only need to get a money order for $130 and thats it. they totally forgot about the $1200 or so that i owe them. so my life will end up being much better when i start doing hair again. i have two gigs this weekened. i think they will go well, even if alot of people aren't there i'm not going to worry about it, i'm still just going to do my best and play good music. dig it. i really need someone to motivate me to wake up in the morning.
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[17 Jul 2008|04:03pm] |
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| i can't sleep. |
[11 Jul 2008|01:45am] |
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drunk |
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music |
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air conditioner |
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i've read some chapters of "jonathan loved david" a book about homosexuality in the bible, another chapter in Zen and the art of motorcycle maintanence
and now i'm here. on live journal.
cuz janna said so.
anyway i found beautiful clothes today, a nice book, n64 games and a much needed computer monitor so that WAS EXCITING. what did i want the internet for again?
i can't remember.
i guess downloading songs, but dial-up would take too long for that. anyway i need a job, any suggestions? i look on craig's list everyday and its all like we want someone with experience, and a college degree, also,
we're nowhere near where you'd want to work anyway. why don't i live in the city? i could make it by on DJing and working at a clothing store, no one would miss me here that isn't a train ride away, and yet when i lived there for a month i hated it cuz i felt no desire to leave my bed and
get off my computer. it was frigedly cold,
to be fare.
anyway i think i will rot in new jersey under my growing pile of bills, lamenting my fate. ugh. SOMEONE HELP ME WAKE UP EARLY IN THE MORNING! GIVE ME A PLACE TO LIVE! SHOW ME HOW TO MAKE A DECENT RESUME! i need motivation. i should have been at my old school today figuring out how to get my license, but no, i was here lying in
my bed
wondering if christina from canada would ever wake this morning. my life is both bizarre and pointless at the same time. I'M OK WITH THAT TOO REALLY.
i'm going to drink a beer now.
someone, with a big beatiful heart, call me in the morning and make sure i'm awake by 630 so i'm not late for work?
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[19 Mar 2008|03:46pm] |
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[05 Feb 2008|05:18pm] |
i miss my friends.
i think i'm going to buy a vespa and take all my beautiful clothes and move somewhere that isn't new jersey.
i don't think there's any good reason for me to live here anymore.
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captain__kidd's journal
